Business personal statement example (2)

You have genuinely useful material, especially the summer at K-Med and the Arab Health exhibition, but the draft mostly lists tasks and skills rather than showing what you noticed or questioned. Your stated interest in marketing and brand awareness is promising yet undeveloped. Sharper reflection, fewer general claims about business, and tighter sentences would make this far more convincing.

Subject motivation

I’m also very interested in advertising through marketing and how businesses improve their brand awareness

This is your clearest motivation, and it gives the statement a focus. However, it arrives after general claims about business mattering to the economy. Explaining which brand, campaign or exhibitor strategy sparked this interest, and what puzzled you about it, would make the motivation personal rather than asserted.

Academic preparation

broadened my knowledge on Business and the different internal and external factors

Your Business BTEC and Politics are relevant, but you never name a topic, unit, assignment or concept you studied. Mentioning one specific piece of coursework, such as a marketing or finance task, and what it taught you would demonstrate preparation far better than saying your knowledge was broadened.

Evidence and reflection

it gave me great insight into their business and how they operate as a company

You state that you gained insight but do not say what it was. Packing orders and helping with the website could reveal stock management, customer expectations or online sales. Naming one observation and why it changed your thinking would turn this into real reflection rather than a generic conclusion.

Relevant experience

able to explore the exhibition to see other companies and their own marketing strategies

The exhibition is excellent, distinctive evidence that links directly to your marketing interest. At present you report statistics about attendees instead of your own observations. Comparing two exhibitors' approaches, or describing how visitors responded to your leaflets, would show analytical thinking.

Credibility and voice

Business is one the most important things in today’s society

Broad statements like this, and repeated phrases such as 'really improved my skills', weaken your voice because any applicant could write them. Your experiences are credible and modest, which helps; letting specific details carry the paragraph would sound more like you and less like a template.

Structure and format

I play badminton every Saturday and I see a personal trainer

The badminton paragraph sits between your academic and work sections, interrupting the business thread, and its teamwork link feels forced. The work experience would read better straight after your subjects. Several long run-on sentences, particularly in the exhibition paragraph, need splitting, and some proofreading errors remain.

What you’ve done well

• The Arab Health exhibition, where you spoke to clients and observed marketing strategies, is a specific, memorable experience directly tied to your interest.
• Your hands-on summer at K-Med covering deliveries, warehouse work and the website shows practical exposure to how a small company operates.

How this draft could improve

• For each experience, replace phrases like 'great insight' with one concrete thing you noticed and what it made you think about business.
• Cut the general paragraph on business's importance to society and use the space to develop your marketing interest with a specific example or reading.
• Proofread for run-on sentences and errors such as 'one the most' and 'very a good', and reorder paragraphs so work experience follows your studies.