Nursing (Adult) personal statement example (2)

Your statement shows a mature career changer with genuine motivation and valuable care-home experience. The family illness gives a clear emotional origin, and your daily duties are concrete. However, reflection is thin, the skills list replaces evidence, academic preparation is barely discussed, and frequent grammatical errors undermine the professionalism a nursing application needs.

Subject motivation

Some nurses showed no caring attitude towards her.

Contrasting uncaring and kind nurses is a strong, personal route into nursing, because it shows you understand how nursing attitude affects recovery. The opening spends many lines on the medical story, though, and you never say what you concluded about the nurse's role beyond 'valuable'. That leaves your strongest insight underdeveloped.

Academic preparation

excelled in my undergraduate studies which I came out with a first-class honour degree

A first-class degree is significant evidence of study ability, but it appears only once, at the end of a skills list. You do not name the subject, mention any science or health learning, or show how your financial background or recent reading prepares you for nursing theory. Readers need that link made explicit.

Evidence and reflection

This has made me aware of how vulnerable they are.

This sentence begins real reflection: your personal care tasks led to an insight about vulnerability. The rest of the paragraph stays general ('compassionate love and care'). One specific resident interaction, described with what you did and learned, would show your empathy far more convincingly than asserting it.

Relevant experience

washing, toileting, feeding, mobility, getting up and going to bed

This is excellent, ordinary evidence. It shows that you know the physical reality of care work. The challenges paragraph adds a realistic view of shifts and manual handling. Observing nurses with medication and care plans is useful, but you could say what you noticed about clinical judgement rather than simply admiring it.

Credibility and voice

I have enthusiasm, positive mindset, determination and hard work, willingness to learn

Your sincerity comes through, but this list of nearly twenty skills reads as a generic claim and dilutes your authentic voice. Phrases such as 'shine and climb higher heights' and 'My joy knew no bounds' feel clichéd. Fewer qualities, each tied to a real example, would sound more credible.

Structure and format

lost a lost of blood and reduced much weight

The paragraph order is logical: motivation, experience, challenges, skills, close. However, repeated errors weaken the reader's confidence in your written communication, a key nursing skill. Examples include 'lost a lost', 'gets the opportunity' and 'contemplating on'. The ending is brief and leans on clichés rather than summarising why you suit adult nursing.

What you’ve done well

• Your hands-on care-home experience is concrete and directly relevant to adult nursing.
• Your contrast between unkind and kind nurses during your mother's illness gives your motivation a genuine, personal basis.

How this draft could improve

• Replace the long skills list with two or three skills, each demonstrated through a specific care-home moment and what you learned from it.
• Add a short section on your degree subject, any health-related study, and how your eight years in finance transfer to nursing.
• Proofread carefully for grammar and word errors, and shorten the illness narrative so there is more room for reflection.